Phone Calls
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: Or, "A swift injection of uncommon common sense". There were a great many problems in the Twilight series that could have been solved or avoided entirely by the simple 21st century act of picking up a phone. Rating on the safe side, for suggestive hints of naughtiness.
1. Rosalie - New Moon

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight franchise, or any of the associated characters. I generally count this as a good thing._

 _Summary: There were a great many instances in the **Twilight** Series that could have been solved or prevented entirely by the simple act of picking up a phone and calling someone. _

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**Chapter One: New Moon**

Rosalie sighed, placing the phone back in its cradle.

Honestly, sometimes she wondered if Alice or Edward was the bigger Drama Llama. From what she recalled of her dim human memories, Rosalie had never had much patience for needless drama, but that seemed to be the only kind the Edward or Alice ever stirred up

Rosalie had a higher tolerance for Drama that served a purpose, certainly, like a scandal when her father was competing for a promotion at work, because at a time when banks all over the country were folding and unemployment was high, a banker's daughter had to be aware of opportunities.  
If Edward and Alice ever cooked up that kind of Drama, Rosalie would find it a lot easier to stand them. It was part of why she loved Emmett so much; he was so honest and uncomplicated, and she had been falling a little bit in love with him even when he was human and she was spending her hunting trips wondering if faking an animal attack would be too extreme just to arrange an introduction to the handsome young mountain ranger.

And, of course, neither Alice or Edward would be the ones blamed for the entire fiasco, despite Alice having been in Forks a full two days before Rosalie had taken it upon herself to inform Edward. Really, was it so impossible for Alice to pick up the phone and call them to say there had been a mistake and not to worry?

Rosalie just wanted her family back together, and Edward had clearly not been so attached that he was willing to Change the Swan girl, then why should Rosalie expect him to be so attached as to do something dramatic and foolish?

"Besides, what would have stopped Edward from calling Bella's house, or the Police Station, or something to confirm it for himself, if he didn't believe her, or even just for the sake of confirmation. Idiot.

Well, at least this was something that could be easily fixed, unlike the situation that had brought them to this point in the first place.

Rosalie pulled out her BlackBerry Pearl, not due on the market for another few months, but Rosalie had been intrigued by the technology since 1983, and helped with the testing phase. She swiftly googled 'Volterra castle' and dialled the VIP contact number.

That number was for Vampires, for genuine VIPs who had to make security arrangements for a tour (and usually wound up shaking Aro's hand), or ordinary people who were so convinced of their own importance that the Volturi considered themselves to be doing the world a favour by having them for a meal. The rest of the time, they fed off those who had witnessed something they shouldn't, or had Alec use his gift on tourists while human assistants drew a pint or two of blood, and convinced the human tourists that their dizziness was just an effect of the Tuscan heat.

An effective method, but impractical for anyone else.

Emmett returned while Rosalie impatiently waited for the call to go through, his arms encircling her from behind. The lingering thrill of the chase, and the blood rushing through their veins, always made for some exciting times after a hunt. Carlisle and Esme would doubtless not be back for a while. The distant crash of a tree falling sounded like one of their adoptive parents tackling the other to the nearest flat surface.

A woman answered the phone. "Casa di Volterra."

Rosalie spoke in English, rather than risk a misunderstanding in Italian. "I need to speak with Aro on a matter of urgency, or at least pass on a message."

The woman changed to English. "Of course, what is the message?"

That was a bit of a relief. As much as she would never admit it, the thought of talking to the vampire rulers personally was a daunting one. "My brother, Edward Cullen, is on his way to Volterra to request death. He is the victim of a misunderstanding, and Carlisle would appreciate it if you would refuse his request and have a guard sit on him," (Behind her, Emmett muffled a snicker. Rosalie elbowed him to be quiet.) "...until my sister gets there to bring him home."

The secretary agreed. "Of course, signora. I will bring Aro your message immediately."

Rosalie smiled, closing her eyes in relief. "Gracias. Oh, and there may be a human with her. She knows of Vampires, but we plan to turn her as soon as we can do so without drawing undue attention"

She hung up, pushing away a pang of regret. Rosalie would not wish the life of a vampire on anyone, much less a girl who had so much potential. Bella had opportunities that were not available to women in Rosalie's lifetime, a family who loved her without conditions, but she seemed determined to throw them away. Perhaps Bella foolishly believed that she could have it both ways, becoming a vampire and keeping in touch with her mortal friends and family.

Rosalie felt sorry for Chief Swan, who had committed no wrong but to love a daughter who allowed others to make her decisions, and who had been welcoming to the Cullens, at the cost of some of his own long friendships. It would be hard, calling Bella her sister with a straight face when she was exactly the kind of weak-willed, ambition-less fool that Rosalie had despised, but for the sake of her family avoiding the wrath of the Volturi, Rosalie would grit her teeth and do it.

A slight squeeze from her husband's strong arms brought her attention back to the present. Well, perhaps there were a few advantages to living forever. She turned to Emmett, taking his hand with her most seductive smile. "Edward and Alice are both dramatic idiots, and Bella isn't dead. Did you have a good hunt?"

Emmett lifted her up, tossing her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Why don't I show you?"

He bolted up the stairs to their room, Rosalie's giggles trailing behind them.

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 _A/N: I stopped writing in the Twilight fandom a while back, but reading some of **Das Mervin** 's Spitefics inspired a plot-bunny. If there are any other scenes you can think of that could use a healthy injection of common sense, let me know._

 _Constructive Criticism is welcome, Flames are not. Essentially, if this is the worst idea since voting Tony Abbott into office, tell me WHY._

 _Thanks,_

 _Nat_


	2. Volturi - Breaking Dawn

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight franchise, or any of the associated characters. I generally count this as a good thing._

 _Summary: There were a great many instances in the **Twilight** Series that could have been solved or prevented entirely by the simple act of picking up a phone and calling someone._

 **Chapter Two - Breaking Dawn**

Aro sighed, mentally counting to one hundred and wishing that he had listened to Caius when he wanted to kill Sasha's entire Coven for the creation of an Immortal Child. The Succubi sisters were more trouble than they were worth. Carlisle might bow to his eldest child's wishes far more often than a leader should, but he wouldn't be so foolish as to create an immortal child, especially when he knew that his coven was already on thin ice. "Alec, check the crime statistics around Forks."

It had been the twins' turn on the Keeping Up With Technology circuit, since they were roughly the right age to mingle with the teenagers on their latest iWhatevers, and no-one wanted a repeat of Felix, Santiago and the Gameboy Fiasco. That had involved far too much snarling and re-attachng of limbs for anyone's taste.

Social Media was handled by human minions, or anyone that Aro felt needed punishment. If Vampires were ever discovered, or at risk of discovery, it would appear on social media first, and trawling through brainless comments made by ill-informed people who (usually) were not worth the effort of tracking down and removing from the gene pool was a fate that most vampires avoided at all costs./span/div

Alex fiddled on his mobile phone for a minute, then shook his head. "Nothing out of the ordinary since the Seattle Murders earlier in the year, and we stopped those in June."

Not an Immortal Child, then.  
One of the surest signs of Immortal Children was widespread carnage when they couldn't control their appetite, and their makers could not or would not rein them in. Aro gestured for the guard to remove Irina to a guest room at least for the moment and glanced at the other four vampires, all of whom looked as exasperated as he did. "The possibilities?"

There was the obvious answer besides an immortal child, of course, but surely Edward and his pet couldn't be _that_ foolish...

Caius waved a hand. "Unless the newest Cullen is an orphan, it is not impossible that the child is a younger sibling."

Marcus shook his head. "I admit, I weary of Carlisle's coven being constantly brought to our attention."

Caius tilted his head. "Three times in a year is certainly pushing the limits, though it does present us with an opportunity..."

He trailed off, exchanging a glance with Marcus. They had been generals together, before Aro, the politician of the three, had turned them at the request of his sister, Didyme, and his new mate, Sulpica, who had been reluctant to leave her twin brother behind. Aro often found it frustrating that he could see every thought a person had, and his brothers still seemed to know what the other was thinking with barely a second of eye-contact.

Luckily, he wasn't the only one who found it so. Athenodora arched an eyebrow at her mate, "Do you care to enlighten the rest of us, _mi amor?"_

They made a formidable pair, with Caius creating a plan, and Athenodora fine-tuning it to within an inch of its metaphorical life. Athenodora had been a rare female scholar while she was alive, a privilege afforded to her as a former Vestal, and she now served as the Volturi Historian.

Caius graced his wife with a rare smile. "Of course, my dearest _fulminata_. Carlisle is gathering an army, likely comprised of those who would challenge our rule."

' _Fulminata_ ' was an odd endearment, meaning 'armed with lightning', but it suited Athenodora perfectly, not only for her formidable intellect, but also for her gift, the ability to call down lightning on those who deliberately set themselves against her. It was one reason she almost never left Volterra; any Coven who attempted to invade while the Volturi were out swiftly regretted their actions.

Caius, for reasons unknown, found this an immense turn-on, occasionally provoking her on purpose. Aro and Marcus found it both a useful asset... and an unintentionally hilarious joke, as far as it related to her former position as High Priestess of a Pantheon of notoriously trigger-happy gods.

Now, at least, Athenodora was smiling, clearly understanding her mate's intentions, and Aro began to catch on. "All neatly gathered in one place, and providing us with every justification to destroy them should they attack, and for Demitri to track down at leisure."

Marcus rose to his feet. "We will bring the guard, and perhaps gather Witnesses of our own. I think the _Haides_ should stay here, however."

His brothers and sisters-in-law nodded agreement. The _Haides_ , or 'unseen ones' were a group of seven Dhampir, half-vampire and half-human, that the Volturi had collected over the years. They were the ones who held down the fort when the Volturi needed to depart in force to make a statement, but since the supposed Immortal Child was doubtless a Dhampir themselves, it would hardly do to bring them along. A secret weapon did not remain secret by flaunting its presence.

Dhampir _were_ dangerous, of course, but unlike Immortal Children, they could restrain and control themselves. Born to be the balancing counterweight to the Vampire race, Dhampir enthralled Vampires as easily as Vampires entranced humans, drawing susceptible members of their Sire's Coven to protect their mortal mothers (if the sire even stayed long enough to discover the pregnancy) and causing their mothers to want nothing more than to keep them, even though anyone with braincells would realize that there was something very wrong and seek to terminate.

Outcast in society as bastards and freaks of nature, frequently orphaned by their birth, they instinctively knew how to kill the supernatural beings that threatened the human race, and Vampires were not their only victims. They worked with the Volturi for practicality and efficency's sake, making use of their contacts and resources in exchange for acting as Daylight Agents.

Aro often speculated that they may have been called Demigods, once; those that were neither god nor mortal, blessed with the power of gods to protect the mortal world. Indeed, the Volturi often sent them out to take care of problems that did not require Volturi intervention, but still needed to be dealt with. Perhaps this new child might one day join them, provided it did not inherit the insufferable attitude of its parents.

The leader of the Volturi rubbed his hands together. "Well, then, we must prepare. Jane, make a list of Vampires to approach should we require witnesses. Demitri, prepare to track them down. Of course, we shall have to leave time to practice a suitably imposing appearance - showing up as a rag-tag mob is simply embarrassing - but that can wait..."

Aro beamed. It would be interesting to see what had changed since they were last in the United States, to put a stop to the Newborn Armies. The Cullens were unlikely to be going anywhere, and the child - whatever it was - did not seem to be drawing any undue attention. A few small side trips would not be out of order, surely...

Marcus closed his eyes patiently. His beloved Didyme had possessed the gift of making people happy, which had softened and tempered the almost childlike glee and manic enthusiasm that she and her brother had shared. Aro was better at regulating it, but he still bordered on insufferable at times. It was one reason that the younger two Volturi indulged their older brother's eccentricities.

The unfortunate side effect of Aro's power was that it occasionally became difficult to separate his own mind and memories from those of others. His mate had the ability to selectively remove memories, an ability that had saved Marcus from going on a rampage when Didyme was killed by removing his memory of the event, softening vengeful rage into lingering melancholy. It was Sulpicia's gift which kept Aro mostly sane by removing all but the most important memories after Aro read a vampire's mind.

Caius gave his sister an almost imploring glance, wordlessly begging that she stop Aro before he organised a Grand Tour of the continental states and every tourist attraction between Italy and America. Caius wouldn't put it past Aro to insist on swimming to America, in order to personally explore the Titanic.

Sulpicia caught the hint and linked arms with her mate. "Since we will be gathering witnesses anyway, it couldn't hurt to visit one or two places as we travel. Let's narrow it down while the full guard are summoned."

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 _A/N: Again, this would be an instance where picking up a phone would have solved a lot of problems, but I decided to use it as an opportunity to actually SHOW the Volturi as cunning, powerful rulers of the Vampire World, since the books themselves didn't. There is also an explanation for why Bella, who previously showed no interest in having kids, is suddenly so hyper-protective of Renesme._

 _Also, the fact that Nahuel and his sisters even exist is a strong argument that half-vampires are rare, but not unheard of. Heck, in the Medieval Period, Inccubai were blamed for unexpected pregnacies or deformed infants, and if Meyer can play fast and loose with Mythology, so can the rest of us. This is something I see the Volturi taking advantage of, in a "we have money and connections and extremely powerful gifts, so we will back you if you do theoccasional job for us" kind of way._

 _If there is anything else you want to see, let me know in a review._

 _Thanks,_

 _Nat_


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